My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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