While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
