Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
