i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
