just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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