Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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