i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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