Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
