I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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