even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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