These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
