I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
