she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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