i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I supernannyed him into submission
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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