btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize