Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
