God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
