you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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