Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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