but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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