Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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