If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
