I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
