I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize