So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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