Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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