if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
