he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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