Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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