I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
