You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
