You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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