pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
