I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
