I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
