we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
