he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
last night I used snow as a chaser
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
