I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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