just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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