I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
