I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
