I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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