You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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