Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
