I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
