I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
