I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
