I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
