your parents love me but you hate me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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