Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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