I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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