Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
