I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
