Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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