She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
