she smelled like a LAN party
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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