garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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