do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
