I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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