It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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