Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
