does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize