we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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